Halloween C6O12H6

When I was a kid …

Intro trope! It’s almost as bad as starting off every other chapter with the character waking up, coming to, or having reality crystalize before him (which I am definitely guilty of in the books). But it’s what people say as they age. Maybe the Greatest Generation started later in life as newfangled aeroplanes stole shiplife from their cross continental commutes, but lately our society is accelerating faster than generational turnover. Kids 20 years old remember life was different when they were 10. So at 42, there are stark enough differences for me to shake my fist at the sky. Halloween in particular.

When I was a kid, we trick or treated. School was a normal day (still is, sorta) with maybe a costume party and everyone got a little UNICEF box for the geezers who gave out coins. COINS. After school was cartoons until about 5:30. Then, it was on. Costumes, baskets. 90 minutes of knocking on doors. And while everyone knew which houses to stay away from, we still rolled the dice.

But that was it. The night ended with us counting our candy and watching some Halloween special (usually the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror). Parents split a bottle of wine and we set our sights on the real prize of the season – Christmas. Thanksgiving, as I once called it, was just a speedbump on the way.

What’s life like now?

Weeks of buildup.

Massive Decorations

Truck or Treat

Parties on top of parties (for the kids, anyway)

Three different costumes.

So I lose at least 1, maybe two weekends leading up. Then every organization the kids are involved in has some cant-miss Halloween event. Pumpkins aren’t a 10 minute pickup at the store, but a half day spent on a farm laboring to harvest our own. Hayrides, bee-made honey, petting zoo. $50. The carving stage is conserved from my childhood, but back then we had real candles with fire. I imagine some super old timers can remember when their Christmas trees had real candles. What a time to survive.

Oh and the parades. There are costume parades that mercifully we avoided this year.

All that leads up to the main event. Halloween night: a mix of cocktail parties, friends groups, and a monster orgasm of trick or treating itself with cracked-out (I jest, they’re damned heroes) families trying to out-give each other with full-size candy bars. My kids do not deserve! The events rage and compete with each other all night (till about 9.) It’s exhausting, parents need to be in 10 places at once. Full marathon and a supervision nightmare (my kids are 6, 11, and 13 and I only have 1 wife for now). Oh and forget about the sugar. When we were kids, you could eat a kitkat without having to prick your finger. Now? My god sugar potency is so high that a loli pop will eat through granite. (if its not clear, that’s a play on the increasing potency of real mind-altering substances).

Most years, all that happens on a school night. thud

This year, however, happens to be a Friday. TomfGIF

Enjoy!